GET RICH

Visiting with the Ex

I am in San Diego this week, partly on business and partly visiting with my newly created ex-husband. Skip and I were together pretty darn close to 14 years, which is a record for me (the only relationship with a male that has been longer has been with Buddy my parrot).

The visit has been cordial, but still tinged with a little caution or constraint. The end of the marriage came very quickly, after several years of struggling to make things work for both of us. Our respective choice of lifestyle (he wants to keep living aboard the sailboat full time, I want to have a home base on land and visit the boat for chunks of time) ended up with such a divergence of preferences that we finally decided to just call it quits and remain friends.

I spent yesterday morning on the boat with him, moving from our old yacht club home to the marina where he now keeps the boat. It was a little surreal for me—the San Diego waterfront was my home base through two marriages and three boats. It was the port I came back to when my second marriage ended in the Caribbean in the middle of a cruise. It’s the place I started and built my first business, where my parents lived and died, and where I had the bulk of my late great corporate career. And now I was seeing it for the last time with the man who had been my partner, friend, and lover for 14 years—who would still be my friend, but who would never again link his arm with mine and say, “Let take it on together, kid!”

Not that Skip ever did that, exactly. But for many of the years we were together, he was my steady Eddie. He helped me recreate the way I relate to my finances (though once I decided to go for the really big bucks, his old hippie mentality recoiled). He listened and responded whenever I was having problems at work (which was often). We shared a lot of travel adventures, both on and off the boat. For most of our marriage, I felt a powerful partnership with him.

Things started to go sour when I was laid off the corporate job in 2003. For reasons only he can really validate, Skip began withdrawing his partnership, and it was upsetting for me to watch.   I had different ideas about how to go forward from there than he did, he didn’t like my ideas (though he didn’t say so out loud), and he didn’t have any alternatives to offer. In the absence of the partner I used to count on to help make future plans, I took the reins myself.

Perhaps things would have gone differently if our relationship had not been polyamorous. Both of us had secondary relationships, and for the time that we were aligned on the future, these relationships were honored by each of us and by the other two involved. Starting in 2003, though, when things got challenging for me and Skip, I think that Wanda, Skip’s girlfriend started lobbying in earnest to become Skip’s primary. With Wanda always on hand telling him (either overtly or covertly) that she would do things differently, that she wanted to do the same things he wanted to do, that she was really right person to be his primary relationship, why would Skip try to make things work with me?  Over time, I imagine that he thought more and more often about how much better things would be with Wanda, even while he was telling himself he needed to figure out how to make things work with me.

Well, my momma always told me that things work out for the best. Skip left me and drove straight to Wanda’s front door, and he’s been there ever since. I asked him yesterday if things were working well with her, and he said that, yes, things are pretty good. He is excited that she is avidly interested in going cruising with him, and given the determination she’s shown to nab and keep this relationship, I think she will turn out to be a great cruising partner.

I miss the old pre-Wanda Skip, the one who was willing to work with me to figure out how to solve the challenges that came our way, no matter how thorny. But I think that the new post-Wanda Skip will have a great life, the kind that he really wants, so how can I feel sad about that?

The best part of the whole situation is that I have kept a very dear friend.  This is the first of my three  exes that I even want to maintain contact with, and that’s certainly a sign of progress in my life!!!

Another thing about that chick flick...

I talked yesterday about a movie I saw that really got my goat with regard to the way the young women characters related to having relationships.

But wait, there’s more.

A side plot in the movie was around the protagonist’s relationship with her flighty, over-critical mother.  There had obviously been friction between mother and daughter for years, and the daughter’s inability to forgive her mother was “obviously” blocking her from achieving her full potential.

At one point in the movie, the daughter confronted the mother, saying something like, “It’s your fault I’m like this. Nothing I ever did was good enough for you,” and other accusations in the same vein.

I waited for the mom to turn around and say, “Hold on a minute. I’m willing to talk about this, but don’t put the blame for your lack of results in life all on me. You are almost 30 years old, and have had enough years of adult life to turn around any ill effects from the years you spent under my roof. Take responsibility for your own life.”

She didn’t. She got upset, she got sad. And eventually she ended up apologizing for her bad behavior as a mother. I sighed. I guess the target demographic for this movie didn’t want to have a mother figure pushing back and encouraging a daughter figure to stand on her own two feet.

The more we go through our adult lives blaming someone else for how we are, the more we lose. We lose the opportunity to get free of other peoples’ beliefs and attitudes about us. We lose the opportunity to find our own center and our own strength.

At some point, preferably sooner than later, we have to put responsibility the results we produced or not produced in our lives squarely on our own shoulders.  It may take some time (depending on how entangled our self-image is with how others see us), but it is an accomplishment that will lead to lots of other accomplishments.

Forgive Mom, Dad, sister, brother, aunt, whoever for “what they did to you.” Now that you’re an adult, you do it to yourself—every time. Accept that, and you’ll get rich much sooner!

Watch it if you want, but don't buy into it!

I had an uncharacteristically lazy day not long ago. To give my brain a rest, I plopped down in front of the TV, surfed the channels, and landed on a "young chick flick," a tale targeted to twenty-something XX-chromosome owners. My first reaction to the story line was annoyance, which turned to thoughtfulness as I thought about the subtle and not-so-subtle messages in the characters' interactions.

The protagonist of the story was a woman just shy of her 30th birthday who appeared to be something of a slacker in her life. She had a hard time holding down a job and was sort of floating through life, though she did have a pretty terrific boyfriend. This boyfriend, in fact, proposed to her, but she turned him down because she needed to figure out what she really wanted. She returned home, hooked up with her old best friend, and unearthed a sort of "bucket list" she had written as a teenager-things she wanted to do by the time she was 30. One of the items was to marry her then-boyfriend.

Predictably, the best friend helped our heroine cross off items on the list. Also predictably, the high school boyfriend entered the picture. He was engaged to be married shortly, but sparks flew when he remet our heroine. This set up a set of conflicts for both parties, which were compounded by the presence of his fiancée and her boyfriend, who came to town to renew his suit.

Then came the scene that really annoyed me. The fiancée found a way to have a one-on-one conversation with our heroine and pleaded her case. She wanted her to lay off the old boyfriend and let him go ahead with the marriage. Her reasoning? The heroine was an accomplished person in her own right (as evidenced by all the things she'd recently done), but that the fiancée's only accomplishment was getting engaged to the guy in question.

"I'm nothing without him," she said, and I could feel my blood pressure rise.

What a thing to say! What kind of message was a movie like that sending to the young women who watch this kind of thing all the time?

Our heroine didn't bat an eyelash, didn't stop the fiancée and say something like, "Wait a minute, sister. If that's the way you think, you should seriously think about putting off this wedding until you have more confidence in yourself and your abilities. Entering into a marriage thinking that you can't be complete without the person you are getting hitched to is a recipe for big trouble."

No, the heroine seemed to be of the same mindset. She did "find herself," and part of that finding was deciding to marry her current boyfriend after all. Everybody was happy happy happy.

This kind of message was everywhere I turned as I grew up and it took many many years for me to break free of the notion that being in a relationship/getting married was critical to my survival or to my success in life.

I think that in this world full of misinformation and unsupportive societal "must dos," this is the most debilitating. If more women would take their attention off the men they need, have, or want and put more attention on their own personal development as whole, complete, and worthwhile individuals, there would be far fewer women looking back from middle age and wishing they'd lived a little bit differently.

I retired before I worked--an idea worth considering!

The moment I decided to go bluewater sailboat cruising stands out clearly in my mind. I was standing on a Southern California bluff staring out at the Pacific Ocean, still a little bit in shock. It was the afternoon of my father’s funeral; he had died young at 63, after a brief and losing battle with cancer

I was 29 years old, and had acquired many of my father’s Type A traits. Following his example, I had propelled myself along the rail tracks of the American Dream of professional accomplishment and material acquisition. My husband, Dan, and I owned a very busy and successful contracting company. I enjoyed the work a lot.

Dan, though, had introduced the idea of sailboat cruising to me and had been trying to win me over. We would be reaching a natural stopping point in our projects in about a year, and he advocated getting a boat and taking off then. I was attracted by the idea, being a gypsy and adventurer at heart, but I couldn’t shake the conditioning of my father’s upbringing.

Until today.

As I looked out at the expanse of ocean and felt the sea breeze on my face, I thought about my dad. He was still working when he got sick—a retired career military officer who was now city engineer of a seaside town in San Diego County. He and my mother maintained a 3-bedroom house on an acre of land—space overkill for the two of them, but it was what they’d gotten used to.

My parents had talked a lot in recent years about what they would do when Dad retired once and for all. They made all kinds of plans for the golden years they would spend together. None of those plans would be put into action now.

I thought about what a lottery game life is—how we never can be really sure about the future. The one thing we could be sure of is that every single one of us would eventually “win” this particular lotto.

I don’t want to wait for some far off day that might never come, I thought. If I really want to go cruising, I should do it now.

That was the day I jumped the rails of the American Dream. A little over a year later, Dan and I untied Brandy from her slip in a Kingston, NY marina, and my cruising life officially began. As any life, it’s been full of joys, sorrows, and unexpected twists and turns.

I’ve never regretted the decision made on that California bluff twenty-five years ago. I have had amazing experiences, retiring before I worked. I've returned now, created professional success in the corporate world, and am now doing the same in my own company. I retired before I worked, and I'm glad I did.

Affirmations--They have worked for me!

When I started my current company, I was scared to death. I don't remember ever feeling so alone before. I worked from home, and it was hard to get away from that negative voice in my head--the one telling me how easy it would be for me to fail, who did I think I was doing this all on my own, that I didn't deserve to succeed.

You may be familiar with your own version of that voice. Little bitch.

I had never been much of a fan of affirmations--those inspiring little ditties we say aloud to ourselves to get pumped up. But I was pretty desperate for some pumping up, and I gave it a try. But I did it differently.

I wrote a whole page of affirmations that dealt with all the crap my voice was throwing at me. Then I recorded myself saying these affirmations--I repeated the list 3 or 4 times.

When my negative inner voice got too loud, I would play the recording. Instead of listening to the radio in the car, I would listen to the recording.

And I have to admit....it really helped!!! Give it a try if you're feeling the needs for some positive mental stimulation.

Here is the list of affirmations I used:

I don’t need anyone. I am my own best friend.

I am completely self-sufficent.

I can meet all my own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

I choose my friendships based on mutual love and respect.

All my experiences are gifts from the Goddess to gain more power, clarity and vision.

All my experiences are making me into the person that I am meant to be.

The Goddess within me is creating miracles in my life here and now.

I am always in the right place at the right time, successfully engaged in the right activity.

I am a Magnificent Spiritual Being full of Light and Love!

I Love myself and naturally attract Loving relationships into my life.

The entire Universe Loves me, serves me, nurtures me, and wants me to win.

Large, rich, opulent, lavish, financial surprises are now manifesting in my life and I am grateful!

I am the co-creator of my life, I am fully involved in co-creating my life in an exciting, Joyous, and harmonious way.

All of my relationships are healthy and balanced.

My value and worth are increased by every thing I do.

I have a right to ask for and expect something in life.

I am the center of my universe; my world revolves around me.

I am a magnificent Spiritual being having a Joyous and exciting human adventure!

Large, rich, opulent, lavish, financial surprises are now manifesting in my life and I am grateful!

My dreams come true.

I live in an abundant Universe.

I radiate self-esteem, inner peace, Love, well-being, health, and happiness.

I create money and abundance through Joy, aliveness and self-Love.

I am vibrantly healthy, radiantly beautiful, and Joyously alive.

The Light within me is creating miracles in my body mind and relationships here and now.

I am now celebrating my life, having fun and enjoying myself.

I am always deeply relaxed and centered, balanced in every way.

I am whole and balanced within myself.

I always have everything I need.

Large, rich, opulent, lavish, financial surprises are now manifesting in my life and I am grateful!

Getting clear: the barriers we've put up

Every successful woman of my acquaintance has made a discovery (or more than one) along the way of internalized attitudes that were holding her back. There are any number of XX-chromosome-related assumptions, points of view, or behaviors that need to be uncovered and change before a woman can kick her life into high gear. I don't necessarily mean externally exerted stuff--the cliche things about girls--but if the shoe fits....

In my case, there have been a number of things. One is what I now called "the Disney kid syndrome." I grew up on Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, and bought the message hook line and sinker. I firmly believed in Prince Charming starting at age 2, and it took me until I was almost 40 to finally let loose of that illusion.

Associated with Prince Charming was the notion that some man was going to see to my financial and emotional well being, much as I saw my father attending to my mother's. Later in life, this morphed into my "partnership" notion--that I would find a partner in life who cared as much about me as about himself. We would go through the rest of our lives together--us against the world.

Also associated with the Disney syndrome was a sort of learned helplessness. I was really good at getting second place all through my school years--looking back, I can clearly see that it was ME who kept me from first place. I would put just enough energy in to make it close to the top, but never kicked in what was needed to win.

The learned helplessness turned into an "I can't..." mantra when I got older. Present me with any opportunity, and my reflex response (in my own head, at least) was "I can't." Talk about holding me back!!!

I do believe that these and other barriers that I've encountered were gender-based...not because someone was discriminating against me because of my femaleness, but because I was discriminating against myself.

Things Cinderella Taught Me

I was a Disney kid, and I ate up those versions of fairy tales when I was very young. Lo these many years later, I have pinpointed some assumptions/guiding principles that my little girl mind came up with based on Cinderella. I have yet to consider Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, but there is likely some overlap, especially in the Prince Charming part.

• People (women) will not appreciate you.
• People (women) will abuse you, take advantage of you, manipulate you.
• Your supporters, those who try to help you, will be small and ineffective.
• If you take initiative on your own and achieve something, people (women) will take it away from you because they think you don’t deserve anything.
• No matter what you do, you won’t be able to save yourself.
• If you are really good, really patient, suffer in silence, and continue to be kind to people (women) who are mean to you, someone will come along to save you.
• When that person does come to save you, you will get all the wonderful things you deserve.
• One of your rewards will be a handsome man who will fall in love with you at first sight.
• People (women) may try to prevent you from keeping all your wonderful things—and your man.
• Your man will do whatever he needs to do to save you.
• He will take you away from the bad people (women) and will take care of you and cherish you.
• Your love will live forever.
• You will be very, very happy for ever after.

I had two far older sisters growing up, so all the conclusions I came to seemed to test out in the real world--they teased me terribly and belittled me (as all older siblings tend to do to younger ones). I think my logic was that since the bullets about women were true, the once about the handsome prince must be too.

I have been married three times. Looking back, I see that in the first marriage I expected all of my "prince" assumptions to come true. They didn't. In the second marriage i was a little more cautious, but still held to the "happily ever after" idea, along with my belief in "true love." Neither worked out. The third was good, but we ended up taking two completely different life paths and ended up splitting out of a recognition that we couldn't reconcile such differences. I fully shed my assumptions about the prince in the 14 years of that marriage, and now have no romantic illusions about soulmates, true love, etc.

And I think this is good. No, I know it's good. I'm in a lovely relationship with a guy who (ironically) actually LOOKS like Prince Charming in Shrek (only without the scowl), and it is a healthy, enjoyable relationship--without any fairy tale assumptions.

Now, to the "woman" thing...I'd love to have some really close woman friends, and I am on the way there. I will admit, though, that I am walking carefully on this one. I think that there are more out there like me--fairy tale believers who think reality includes magic, romance, kismet, and who actually do treat other women badly (out of their own insecurities).  Finding those who have "crossed over" to clear-eyed thinking about life will take time--but I'm looking forward to the journey!